Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Too much time alone is not always a GOOD thing!!!!

Firstly my apologies to anyone who's been trying to get hold of me on MSN, I just haven't had time to get online, have been so busy doing the housework and getting sorted for the Housing Benefit home visit thing that I feel like I haven't stopped (thou I know I have)

I've spent most of the day by myself, I went and did mums, made the few phone calls that had to happen, and then other than picking up the boy, and seeing Aunty, have been alone.

This isn't as bad as it seems. Its occured to me today, that being alone is both good and bad....and for the same have alot of time alone with your own thoughts. So, while I was racing round trying to make it look like humans and not monkeys live here, I was thinking, almost the whole time, about the future, or at least the parts of it pertaining to me and the boy. Everything from cementing his relationship with his father, to how much I want to be able to give him as he grows. To that end, I have managed to sort out his dad picking him up from school tomoro and having him while I'm at work, which he is so excited about that it actually makes me hurt. I know that Phil and I spliting up was exactly the right thing to do, and I dont entertain thoughts of being with him again, but the look of joy on my boy's face when I told him that daddy would pick him up was stunning, it just hurts cos its taken nearly 5 years of me constantly reinforcing things to him to make that look appear, and I hope that neither of them ever realise just how much I had to work to make sure that they had and have a relationship, but I am so glad that I did. Just lately access has gotten easier on them both, and they no longer need constant supervision, another area in my boys life where I need to take a step back.

Then my thoughts drifted off to the whole 'where am I gonna be in 10 years' thing. And heres the thing, the only thing that I really want out of my life for the foreseeable is my boys smile and laughter and tears and pain, all of it, thats all I want, to experience the wonder that is my son. I want to give him whatever I can, as much as I can, to be a good provider, but none of my goals or hopes are personally related to me and my life, but more him and where his life could go.

After all this reflection, I sat in my almost spotless sitting room, thinking about decorating, and friends, and watching 'Kinky Boots' again. Seems like an odd combination even to me!

I also worked out the reason for my blues. And really its a no-brainer, at least if you are sensible and look at a calaender. In 9 days, I would have known Phil for 6 years. In 36 days it will be 6 years since our first kiss, and 5 years since our son was born, 35 days, our third wedding anniversary, 44 days, our sixth anniversary and less than 3 months, six years since I moved in with him. And in less than 5 months it will be a year since we split. So, thou I'm not looking to get back with him or anything (thats really not what this is all about) I think I might be grieving, for the loss of the relationship that I thought would last forever. So, pardon my randomness, mood swings and fragility for just a little longer.

Sorry this is so long, it was only supposed to be a short post!!!!


Graeme said...

But don't you just think blogs are made for this kind of stuff? Venting your feelings through written words can be a thousand times easier than speaking them, and also a thousand more times effective. So you just carry on being random...we're not gonna change the way we feel about you matey! xx