New days, new thoughts, new hall paint.

Perspective is a beautiful, healing thing. It truely is.

I have my own special brand of crazy, and I freely admit it, so this post might not make much sense to anyone who thinks I'm normal. (consider yourself warned if my insane logic frys your brain!)

I've painted my hallway. This in turn means I'm sorting my shit out.

Early last week, I was in a bad place. I really was. People who I love, who I loved and who I put so much of myself into helping, admitted that they had made mistakes with me, but that they had learned from them, and wouldnt make them with anyone else. WTF??? Who says things like this to other humans. Who sits there and acknowledges how much of yourself you gave to sort them out, but they had to fuck you up to get to where they need to be. Unfortunately, this is a reaccuring pattern with far too many people in my life. This is why I have made new friends this year, why I've started getting harder, become less forgiving, and started putting myself before my friends. Some people in my life did not deserve what I did to help them thru. If they had understood what I had done for them they would never have betrayed me like they have. Thats not all. I'm not often a nice person, but anyone who knows me knows that I will move heaven and earth to make things right for others. And I still will. I always will cos its the way I'm made. But there are a few differences here and there now.

Anyway, back to the painting thing, cos it is a huge issue. I moved in here 3 and 1/2 years ago. In all that time the only walls that have been painted are my bedroom ones. Which was a good thing and needed at the time. So in all this time, all this chaos that has happened within these four walls, all the tears and rows and anger, all the heartbreak and pain, and the place is still as it was when Phil and I moved in, happy, married and in love. So painting, a big thing. Add to that the fact that I have never painted a room, or a wall, all by myself, on my own, for me. I'm busy building my home. Making it mine. And in the process I am sorting my shit out. As my home is coming together so am I. I really want to be sorted out now. I have things I want to do, and I can't do them because I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself, being down on myself, and believing what others think of me. I'm trying to repair the damage thats been done to me, by myself and by others, cos my son deserves a mother who's in the best possible place, and everyone else derserves to see the pieces of me that I hide. The pieces of me that I don't trust people with cos I dont think they need to deal with my shit...cos if I'm dealing with theirs, they can damn well do the same for me.

Ok, ramble over, I think. And who knows, maybe I'll start posting more now!

Grief

This post is really hard to write. But Paul definately deserves some inches on here.

Almost every time I've talked about working in the evening, I've spent that evening with Paul. I have been consistantly working at least one of my shifts with him for 18 months now. The night my mother came into work to tell me my grandfather had died, I was working with Paul. The evenings that I went in after having a row with Phil, Paul was there. Every night we worked together we would chat, I would make sure we were able to take a fag break together, because I do like to get to know my work mates.

In our shop we are a little strange. I dont know if anyone else has noticed, but we tend to operate like a family. The guys there know whats happening in my life, all the time. We bitch and fight amongst ourselves all the time, and back each other up whenever we can. Charlene and Shaun babysit for me. Graeme and I chat online, as well as by text and on the phone. We all pitch in if we can.

People never cease to amaze me. You don't realize the impact that people have on you, how they've touched your life, how they have helped you make choices, how they have been a sympathic ear, a shoulder to lean on, someone to bitch to, until they're gone. You dont realize just how important walking into somewhere and seeing the same person there becomes, until you know that they wont be there again. You truely never know what you've got til its gone.

Paul was one of the nicest people I have met. He was drunk a lot of the time and not very fast on the tills, but he also made time to say hello to every customer, and to ask every regular who came in how they were. He always took a 20 minute break, even thou he wasnt entitled to one, and it seems so petty that I would bitch about it. It wasnt until Graeme phoned tonight to tell me that I realized just how much I liked Paul, how much time I have spent with him, how many things I have shared with him. It's so very sad.

POST NUMBER 150!!!

Ok, so its not that big!

But you see, I've been blogging for a couple of years now, and for a year on this platform. I know I dont blog as often as some people would like, but even so, I don't know what I'd do without blogging as a way of releasing at least some of my stress!!!

I had intended to write something topical, or at the very least something intelligent, but then, upon seeing that I was about to write my 150th post, I decided not to, cos really, I'm intellectially challenged at the moment. Its not that I can't do, its that I can't be bothered to!!! I see no reason to start discussing things as if my opinion matters, cos in the grand scheme of things it really doesnt. I might have an earth shattering idea that could affect the fortunes of the masses, but in reality, would i recognise it if i did? And who would listen to me if I recognised it?? So this is a fluff piece, simply to celebrate that I have persisted in keeping a blog even if no-one reads it, or I have nothing to say (which happens far too often for someone who enjoys talking as much as me!).

Now I'm off to read a little, cross-stitch a little and have more coffee....the excitement is unbearable...truely it is!

The BIG-ASS post I promised!!!!

Here comes the post I promised to make up for my lack of posting so far this year. I was horrified when I realized how little I've been posting...I used to post every day...what has happened to me?!?!?!?!?! I will add a disclamer right here at the start...I'm drinking Lambrini Pink Champange. I'm not usually a fan of the cheap wine, but theres something a little addictive about it, and its PINK!!!!!

So, we'll start with Saturday, as thats the first day that something even remotely exciting happened!!!! I WENT OUT!!!! Honest I did, I am not lying, and the proof can be found over at Graeme's blog (I can't be bothered to post pic's, I'm sorry). It was Rachel and Leighton's wedding, and the reception was beautiful. Rachel's dress was glorious and Leighton looked so happy he could have burst! I wish them all the best for the future. It was also fun to go out with the guys from work...we NEVER do anything together except whinge about work!!

Sunday I spent sleeping, cos I was a tad hungover, and the boy got up at 5:30 AM!!!!!!

Monday...I spent SHOPPING. I mean REALLY SHOPPING. I spent almost as much as I make in a month!!!! I bought CD's, books, toys for the boys, clothes for the boy, a new cat-o'-nine-tails (pic's to come of that!), Thortons chocolates and some other random stuff. I now have a healthy respect for the effectiveness of retail therapy...I felt SO very good after shopping for 5 HOURS.

Tuesday I had a driving lesson and drove to Southampton for the first time in 7 years. I didnt do too badly all things considered, and I have the most AWESOME driving instructor in the world...we stopped for a fag break!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday I built a chest. It was all pre-cut wood so I just had to put it together but even so, I was chuffed with it!! And now its sat in my room, under my window, full of my Wicca supplies and reference books. It also acts as an altar, which has made my month. Its so fulfilling to be able to worship at an altar designed specifically for that purpose, even more so as I constructed it myself. The connection I feel to the Deities has easily doubled, which is probably why I'm feeling so much better.

Yesterday I did town with Amy, which was fun, thou I was paying bills!!!!

Today I did NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats about all my news for now. Tonight I have a night of wine, reading and Supernatural planned.

Oh, and I forgot to mention my new sheets. They may only be polyester satin, but beggers can't be choosers, and I have gold and black slippy-slide-y sheets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M BACK ONLINE.....WOOHOO

This year has been the absolute worst for my internet connection and I. First I am disconnected by my phone company, then by my ISP. This time however was far more hassle and worry. I went to plug my MP3 player in to change my play list and the computer kept telling me that I was overloading my USB ports. WTF?? My MP3 player is ancient and has about as much juice as a snail covered in salt. It is in no way powerful enough to take on the lappy. Not in a fair fight at least! As I was panicking that I had broken the lappy and was doomed to have an empty MP3 player...I looked and saw...THE FRAYED ELECTRICAL LEAD ON MY MODEM. D'OH. Okay, so that's not what I actually said when I realized the possible outcomes of fire, electric shocks admistered to my son and so on! So my wonderful mother went out and grabbed me a modem to replace it while I was at work. Which I loved her for. That was until I set it up and realized that I had to phone my ISP and configure the damn thing.........and because I am essentially lazy, this took a couple of days. But I am online now, and have SO much to blog, but its also bed time...so I'll do it tomorrow...possibly with pictures!!!!!!!!

Night all!

Some random for you, cos it's all I got!

Some random things...

Check out my blog roll. I have added a bunch of new (well new to me) and totally awesome blogs. I went to vote for Crystal at the Blogger Choice Awards (in the best humour catergory...go vote, now, the rest of my post can wait!) and have spent most of the day floating around the blog-o-sphere laughing my arse off, on my own, in an empty house. I am a crazy person.

Just a few moments ago, I walked into my lounge. To find my son...WEARING. MY. NEW. KNEE. HIGH. BOOTS. I shit you not. He was stood in front of the telly wearing these black boots with a 3.5 inch heel that came up to the tops of his thighs. It took a minute or two for me to work out what was going on, but once I did I did the only thing a caring and considerate mother could do...TOOK PICTURES ON MY PHONE AND MESSAGED THEM TO MY FRIENDS. I'm also heading to town for a Dongle (I love that word) just so I can transfer the aforementioned pic's onto the puta!!!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to feel really guilty that I let Graeme down for work tonight. But, to be fair, the stir fry ingredients, slice of chocolate cheesecake, bottle of wine and dyeing my hair that I have planned for tonight are preventing this. Lets be honest, a choice between wine and work? It's no choice at all!!!!!

I have a new phone. Same number, cos I'm too lazy to ring people with the new one (and I've only just learned this one!) but a pretty, pretty Nokia 6111 in pink. I have new technology!!!

I also have Animal Crossing for Nitendo DS. This is why I'm never online anymore. I have toys to play with...including this which is on its way! (******PLEASE NOTE: this link takes you to Ann Summers. If you are easily offended or a prude, just don't click it. If you do you can't say you weren't warned. I'm a nympho, I accept it, you should too!******)

I think thats it so far. But then, I haven't opened the wine yet, so there may be more posting later, perhaps with pic's of the new hair.

I am an inconsiderate blogger!

I am and I admit it. Its just that I haven't really had that much to say just lately. I work, I sleep, I eat and I play with the boy. And thats it right now.

So, in an effort to just have SOMETHING in my life, I am pampering myself tonight, then breaking in my new boots, and watching Serentiy. I know, I know, I cant stand the excitement!!!!!!!

I will try to update more I promise. I just need SOMETHING to happen in my life...thou I did make a purchase from Ann Summers last night, so I might not be around for a few weeks!

Graeme's Holiday...Day''s Two and Three

The only problem with working every day is that I'm so tired!! Because I'm finishing at 5:30pm, it means that my friends are popping over for coffee an awful lot...I don't mind, infact I'll go so far as to say I enjoy it, but it does leave me hyped up for the rest of the night!! Never mind!!!

So anyway, in shop based news...

I did the double banking...s**tting myself the whole time!

I did the Easter Card uplift.

Sue from Millbrook popped in and sorted something out to do with declaring the coupons that I just could not sort out.

Once I've done my PI's today (2 of 'em) then they are done for the week.

Once Babs and Martha have done their bits this morning, all the stock is worked ready for tomoro's delivery...even the big silver cages.

The Easter stock uplift is being dealt with today as well, and thats all that I really have left to do.

I'm both shocked and surprised!!!

ok, thats it for now. I promise to have non-work related posts next week!!!

Graeme's Holiday...Day ONE

ok, so its the first offical day of Graeme's holiday.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Actually, it hasnt been that bad. I went in yesterday and did a bunch of paperwork and stuff, so today went pretty well.

I counted the money. I will never again be able to touch that much money. And I had to put it all back *pouts*.

6 of the 8 PI's for this week are done...just Alcopops/Beer and tins to do.

Summer toys are booked in and on display. It took me AND Mel to actually build the stand *blushes*.

Event stands are cleared and ready for 1/2 price Easter Eggs in the morning, and the promo ends are nearly done.

I am tired.

I know that no-one really wants to know about all this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Graeme may pop here, so it just keeps him informed of whats going on!!!

I've also dealt with a minimum of 2 attacks of the bitchiness between staff. That is the worst bit of it all. The rest, well, I just got on with it, but when its 'he said, she said' crap between people I need to keep sweet so that they dont walk out, thats MUCH MUCH harder. *tips hat to Graeme for not simply shooting the lot of us*

I now have to do my sodding housework...bleugh...maybe I'll leave it...and then do two lots tomoro!!!!!

Cos I'm still lazy!!!

Graeme emailed me this and in my intense laziness I thought that it would do as a blog post, sort of a filler if you will!!!


1. What time did you get up this morning? 7am
2. Do you prefer Gold or Silver? Silver
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Dumb and Dumberer (NOT ONE COMMENT!)
4. What is your favourite TV programme? The Dresden Files (I have all the books!)
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? COFFEE
6. What is your favourite meal? Sausage and Mash at the moment, comfort food!
7. What is your middle name? Susan Margaret (yes, my middle initials ARE s&m!)
8. What food do you dislike? Mushrooms...with a fiery passion!
9. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Not a specific CD, songs thou are Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood and Do It Anyway by Martina Mcbride
10. What kind of car do you drive? None, I am an avid pedestrian
11. Favourite sandwich? Ham and pickle
12. What characteristic do you despise? Arrogance
13. Favourite item of clothing? Jeans all the way!
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on Holiday? Ireland
15. What colour is your bathroom? a vile shade of green!
16. Favourite brand of clothing? None, my ass doesn't fit in brand names, and nor does my wallet!
17. Where would you retire? right here, if I can ever afford too!
18. What was your most memorable birthday? My 25th......the most uneventful one ever!
19. Favourite sport to watch? why would I watch sport?
20. Furthest place you are sending this? I don't know, Poole?
21. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Emily
22. Person you expect to send it back first? No clue
24. When is your birthday? 8th January
25. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night, and early hours of morning!
26. What is your shoe size? 5
27. Do you have any pets? NONONONONO
28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I actually have a bottle of spirits in my house!!!!
29. What did you want to be when you were little? Wife and mother of 6
30. How are you today? Tired. Content.
31. What is your favourite candy/chocolate? Lindt Lindor
32. What is your favourite flower? yellow roses
33. What is a date on the calendar you are looking forward to? 27th July (my boys birthday)
34. Are you married? Separated
35. What is your job? Senior Shift Manager...which sounds grand till you add...of a convenience store!
36. Do you enjoy your job? strangely, there are actually times when I do!

Sorry folks, had an attack of the 'lazy'!

BUT I HAVE AN EXCUSE!!!!

CHECK OUT WHAT I JUST BOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, thats kinda all my news I'm afraid...Its the first day of the Easter Holidays, Phil and I are STILL getting on...I s**t you not, we are still getting on!!! And thats about it, there is an intense lack of excitement in my life right now.........come on baby, give me some excitement!!!

I hope you're sitting down!

For the two regular readers (hey, I can admit that there are only two of you!) prepare yourself for this announcement. If anyone else has been reading regularly you too should suspend your disbelief for this...

PHILIP AND I ARE FRIENDS AGAIN!!!

Not the half ass friends that we have been since September. Not the sort of friends who spend all day trying to get dirt on each other, but ACTUAL friends.

I really mean it, I am not trying to scare anyone, and I really am not lying, we are back to the proper sort of friends that we need to be, for ourselves and for Edward.

Its nice actually. (I'm sorry if anyone actually hurt themselves there). This friendship we have worked for. REALLY WORKED FOR. As in, we've been trying harder on this friendship than we ever did on our marriage. Its shameful to admit, I know, but we didn't try as hard as we should have on our marriage. We were not as honest with each other as we are now, and we didn't share as much as we should have. Since we split, we have been brutally honest with each other, we have shared things that we never had to know about one another, we've taken care of each others emotions much better and we have both accepted responsiblity for our mistakes during our marriage and relationship.

This is not to say that we are getting back together, because, folks, WE ARE NOT.

This isnt about still being in love, or not being over each other, and despite what some people may think, its REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY not because we're banging like rabbits, and no, I'm not protesting too much. Its just something that isnt happening, and sometimes, I feel that no matter how often I say that, there are people, who should know me, but who still doubt it. If we we're banging like rabbits then we'd be together. If I wanted him back in a relationship way, then I would have done that already. BUt our friendship is important to me. It is a treasured friendship, and when others think that we shouldnt be friends, then they are small minded and unable to accept that when you sweat blood to ensure there is a friendship then it is obviously worth fighting for.

In other gripping 'Tizzie' shaped news...

I HATE BOB...MAY HE BURN IN HELL...I WISH I COULD JUST REALLY HURT HIM WITHOUT HAVING TO TOUCH HIM.

Thats it folks. I think that the first announcement was enough to keep all my faithful readers (all two of you) going for at least a day!!!!!

Thursday Thirteen #16

Thirteen Things that rock my world!!!!

1…My son, in all his glory, craziness and insanity!!!!!

2...Lindor Chocolate......they've just released a mint truffle one and they are INCREDIBLE!!!!

3...The Dresden Files on telly. I have all of Jim Butcher's books, and the television series ROCKS!

4...Books, lots and lots of books!!!!

5...Devil food chocolate cake. I love it, I want to eat it all the time, I get fatter just being in the same room as it!!!

6...The Blogosphere. I potter around here far more that you'd realise!!!

7...COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE...I truely could not live without coffee, I'm just glad Amy is just as bad as me!!!!

8...Ameretto flavoured coffee...OH MY S**T...THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

9...My work friends. How lucky am I to get to work with people that I actually like!!!!

10...Thunder storms. Big-ass, full on thunder storms. The ones where you turn all the lights off and spend the night just watching and listening to the weather.

11...Having money in the bank. It doesnt happen often, and doesnt stay there long, but it sure feels good when I've actually got some!!!

12...My Nindento DS. Its my guilty secret. I couldnt really afford it, but I was sick of sitting in a night with nothing to do, and it is so, so beautiful!!!

13...My friends. Despite the events of the last few weeks, they are still the best!




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SPRING EQUINOX!!!!

yup, 'tis the first day of spring. Not that you'd know it from the weather, what with the bitter wind chill and the short flurries of snow we've been having, but the start of spring none the less.

As anyone who knows me will tell you, the first day of spring is where my mood lightens, I get my s**t together and I stop taking the aforementioned s**t. Given whats been going on in my life these last few weeks this is a good thing. Phil is gonna have to adjust to not being able to treat me like he does (I think maybe out of habit, I've taken it for so long that he thinks nothing of treating me badly) but other than that, for the next six months at least, I shouldn't hit bottom again!

I also got my groove back on at work today. When I got there, there were 3 extra cages in the stock room (now gone), 5 stocktakes to do (all done), far too many soft drinks to reduce (I THINK I got 'em all), and stock to work (a fair bit of it done). I rock. There is no doubt about this. I also ache, but that I'll get over. When I'm in a funk, my work suffers, and I find that so hard to live with, I like to be able to take pride in my work, and lately I havent been able to. I can today which has definately brightened my mood.

We have also started selling BIG-ASS cans of Red Bull, this too has contributed to my hyperness!!!!

And, today, Amy bought me a fridge magnet that says 'My family tree is full of nuts'!! So true, and I want fridge magnets, cos I've finally got a fridge that I can fill with my boys paintings and other things, so I NEED magnets!!!!!

In other news.......

I have had a fantastic phone call with Amanda. Its grounded me and put me back in my own skin.

I DIDNT fall out with Phil today, for the FIRST TIME in about 19 days (in a row, yes folks, IN A ROW, not that I sat with my calander tonight to work it out or anything)

I'm blogging again (in case no-one noticed...............I'M AN ATTENTION SLUT, PAY ATTENTION!!)

I intend to TT tomoro!!!!

My boy is wonderful, thou pushing me a little of late!!!

I may be addicted to !'s!!!!

Ebay is evil and is going to end up costing me THE EARTH...but I love it anyway!!!

And theres something else, that I should shout from the rooftops, but I'm not gonna, cos every girl needs a secret!!!!!!!!

Happy first day of spring everyone!!

An actual blog post!!!!!

ok, so I haven't blogged for a couple of reasons, one is that when you have actually sat and thought about how you would dispose of someone, its probably not a good idea to blog about it! Another is that the chaos in my life just lately has stunned even me, its like it has a target to reach, and is trying to beat it...if my life were work, we'd have beaten bugdet by about £1,000,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, a proper blog, about the good things in my life, cos a few have happened lately.

Good thing number 1...I went and got my hair cut. It is actually a really cute cut and I love it and am really happy with it. So happy in fact that it is also now a nice deep red colour again!!!

Good thing number 2...I got my paypal verified so I can get addicted to ebay!!!

Good thing number 3...My friendship with my neighbour is going from strength to strength, not bad for some one who hasnt made a friend outside of her job or school for about 7 years!!!

Good thing number 4...I am now the proud owner of a pink Nindento DS Lite!!!!!!!!!

Good thing number 5...I WENT OUT...IN PUBLIC....AND HAD A DRINK...AND I DIDNT GET IN TIL 1 AM...FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 10 MONTHS!!!!!!!

Good thing number 6...I have permission to be in a relationship now from my ex-husband...HAHAHAHAHAHA the world is MINE!!!!!!

Good thing number 7...I seem to have found my sense of humour again.

Good thing number 8...I have cleared the air with my best friend. I dont ever want to have to do it again, but I am so happy I did, and so happy that things are back as they should be.

Good thing number 9...I had Chinese take out for the first time in about a year!

Good thing number 10...I had 9 good things to report!!!!!

Oh, and I am now Graemes 'second-in-command' at work, I am a Senior Shift Manager...Its a pig, but it rocks too...I got a promotion (dances a lil!)

Thats it for right now, but then I want to have some wine tonight, so maybe I'll post a drunken post later!!!!

sorry folks

I know that I havent posted in a while, and I'm not really doing a proper post now. Just enough so that people realize I'm still alive. thats it folks I'm afraid. I'll post when I'm feeling better.

Thursday Thirteen #15

Thirteen Things I'm proud of.

After the hugely negative TT last week, I decided to do something I very, very rarely do. In fact, I do this so rarely that anyone whi knows me will be shocked and surprised by this post. I'm going to 'toot my own horn'so to speak. This TT is 13 things about myself that I am actually proud of, or think I do well!!! (my apologies to anyone who actually keeled over in shock!)

1...I can do a suduko puzzle in under 3 minutes. Not the complex ones, they take about 10 minutes, but the ones where you only have to find about 45 numbers out of 91.

2...I am a DAMN FINE cook. Its a skill that I haven't appreciated much lately, but since I've started cooking more, I can see why Phil wanted to marry me!!!

3...I am raising an amazing lil boy, and for the most part, I've done it myself. My ex hasnt really put much effort in until recently, so I take full credit for it, and just lately he really has been doing me proud.

4...My memory is damn near photographic. If I've read it, or written it, I'll remember it.

5...My mind is so open that I expect my brains to fall out almost daily. I consider this a good thing, thou some people think I'm a touch too permissive!

6...At work, thou I'm not sure I'm really proud of it, there are only 2 people that staff will go to before me. I'm actually an asset to my workplace, that part makes me proud. The part where I'm dealing with the staff's issues just makes me irritated!!!

7...I am actually a good friend. I can be a nasty b***h, however, for my true friends, there's nothing I wouldnt do.

8...I'm a low maintainance person. I don't need that much imput, I kind of tick over by myself. Thats not to say that I don't need some sort of human contact now and then, but other than that, I'm realatively independent and have been know to go weeks without seeing anyone other than my ex and my son without going completely insane!!

9...I am always learning new things. I cant seem to stop myself. I just cant help myself, be it something that just sparks my imagination, or something I have to 'Google' for my son because he wants to know how aeroplanes stay in the sky!

10...I cross-stitch. A lot, and well. I tend to keep that one to myself, mainly because I am really not art-inclinded. But when I cross stitch it doesnt seem to matter that even my stick men aren't convincing!!

11...I'm competent and capable. If there's something that I need to achieve, and I don't know exactly how, I'll simply find out and then do it. It's something that I am really, really proud of at the end of the day as its something I want to pass onto my son, and as its a trait I already have I reckon I'm half way there!

12...I'm articulate enough and well-spoken enough that no-one every believes me when I say that my father's a farmer. And not in the 'gentleman farmer' sense, in the sense that I too have stuck my hand up inside a sheep! But no-one ever believes it, no matter how many times I say it!

13...I got thru this list. That really makes me proud because it's not something that comes easily to me, and it's taken at least an hour, but I got thru it, and am now going to have a fag and a coffee before I post it, just so I have something to moan at myself about!!








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Friends, feelings and other stuff!

Not sure on a title yet...........give me a minute!

Today has been a special day. Me and my boy are still in our jammies (its only 16:30) and have spent the whole day together. Always something that makes my day the best it could possibly be. But, on top of that, I got to read the responses on my TT. Its not often that I open myself up like that, and I can say, without a doubt, that I didnt do it lightly, or easily. There are people who read this blog that I'd rather not let into my head, because nothing they have done even slightly allows them the right to that, but as I am determinded to maintain a friendship with someone who played a pivotal part in my life, I have to accept that the people close to him will come here, and read it, and hope that it means that my life is falling apart in some way. Nevertheless, I took a risk, just because one person out there doesnt understand what goes on with me, doesnt mean that I should shut everyone else out of the more chaotic parts of my life. To have such thoughtful, and inspiring comments, which I read over my morning coffee (a time when I am definately not at my best) really made my day. If nothing else nice had happened today, I'd have still had a glow of contentment about myself.

But other nice things happened. Cuddles and snuggles on the sofa with my lil man. A phone call that set my pulse racing, and put a smile on my face. A visit from Amy and her lil girl...who was also still in her jammies, so an inpromptue jammie playdate! A postcard from one of my oldest friends, with a picture of her and my boy on it. A LIE-IN until 9:30!!! A glimse of what my life is becoming, as opposed to what it has always been. I hate to say it but I think I'm actually getting a life worth envying, rather than a life no-one wishes on their worst enemy.

And a random note, you will notice the lack of posting about Valentines. At the risk of offending millions of people, it is a highly over-rated holiday and something that I really find a little crass and over commerciallized. So therefore, thou I did bake on the day, cos that is a tradition I will keep, I gave chocolate brownies to Graeme, as I know he needs the chocolate more than anyone else in my life!!!!!!

Thurday Thirteen #14

Thirteen Things I've discovered about myself in the last couple of months.Todays TT is a personal one, which is a touch unusual for me, as I'm such a private person, but then, its probably unhealthy for me to be and I'm trying to grow as person!!!!

1…It is my natural reaction to be a cold hearted b***h before anything else.

2...I am incapable of seeing myself as others see me, even a little bit!

3...My thoughts and feelings are so deeply buried, when my friends try to talk to me, I'll lie about them (the thoughts and feelings, not the friends)

4...When I come accross as confident its actually because I am the exact opposite, and am lying to myself.

5...When someone's nice to me, I automatically wonder what they want from me, or assume they are lying.

6...I am nearly completely unable to accept a compliement.

7...Whien I'm feeling lonely, I will deliberately unplug my phone, turn off my mobile and pretend to be out, just incase a friend actually rings.

8...If one of my friends needs something, anything, I will do everything in my power to help them get/achieve whatever it is. But I will NOT accept the same back.

9...When I'm feeling a deep emotion about something, I will just bury it until its no longer a deep emotion.

10...There's far too much in my past that I havent dealt with yet, and it affects the relationships that I build today.

11...When it comes to my son, there is nothing I wouldn't do, no-one I wouldn't hurt to keep him safe. The same goes for my family, and the friends I consider family.

12...I'm outspoken, but never about the important stuff, just about the little things.

13...Far too much of this list is negative, and I really need to deal with that!!!!!




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Drunken Pwincess

Well, its true, I found the Vodka in my cupboard and accidently drank it.

I've decided that there is nothing worse than being drunk and alone. I have huge amounts of hyper-ness (or frisky-ness!!!) that could be shared, but tonight I'm on my own. Pretty much like every night, so you'd think I'd be somewhat used to it by now, but then, every now and then, it hits me. I may have the most beautiful son in the world, and a huge number of friends, but my true friends, the ones I will bare my soul in front of, they are few and far between, and not a single one of them is avalible right now.

Never mind, I guess I'll go to bed and read this in the morning and cringe!