Friday, December 15, 2006

Title to be inserted by anyone who can think of one!


That is kinda my theme for the day today. I have offically had quite enough of the chaos and hassle, and am just feeling BLEUGH.

Last night was a nightmare. Work was ok, actually nice and gentle, I took it kinda slow, and it still got done...I even faced-up!

But then, unintentionally, ended up in a row of sorts with Philip. It started because I rallied against the injustice of all the things that his new girlfriend gets from him that I didnt ever. Not just the emotional support and the help around the house, but that he can get home straight after work for her, and she always knows where he is. Things that I got down on my knees and abased myself to try and get from him. He just couldn't do it for the mother of his child and the woman he married.

He had mentioned to me that he had to get home because she is unwell. Now, as a general rule I don't wish ill on anyone, so I was sympathetic to his plight, but there's a 'but. On at least 2 occasions I phoned him and asked him to come home because I was miscarrying and I needed him to have the boy. He didn't come home when I phoned, or after he finished work, infact on one of the occasions he didnt come home till 9pm (he worked until 5:30). So, naturally I took issue with the way he is happy to take care of her, when he couldnt do it for me. HE HAD FORGOTTEN THAT IT EVER HAPPENED. I kid you not, MY HUSBAND FORGOT THAT I HAD 2 MISCARRAGES DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP. I actually had 3, but I didnt ever tell him about the first one, and I shant ever, because Edward stayed where he was, so there was no reason to tell him.




On Tuesday I was unwell, I had a stomach bug, and the first thing Philip asked was whether I was pregnant or not, and I lost my temper, and he didnt realize why until last night.

Sometimes, when I look back, I HATE myself for being so spineless. For putting him above all else, protecting him and helping him. I can't believe, looking at myself now, that I let it happen. That I put up with the way he treated me. In the same breath, sometimes I look back and wonder if I dont deserve to be treated any better, because the man I married is capable of treating a woman like something other than a possession, a toy, something to treat anyway you liked, but he couldnt do it for me, and one has to ask why not.

So, the bleugh makes sense, but tomorrow will be a brighter day, as it's my weekend off, so I have ALL DAY with my beautiful boy, who makes any pain, suffering or torment that I endured with Philip completely worth it.