New Year coming.

I hate this time of year. It encourages me to look back at the year thats gone, and for some reason I always focus on the bad things I've done and the mistakes I've made. I can't seem to help it.

A year is a long time, and the difference in my life and myself, is actually quite incredible, even to me.

This time last year, I relied on a man for emotional support and company, now I really, really don't. At best, I might need to spend an hour or two a week on the phone to one of my friends, or 16 hours at work, for example. Nowadays, as of 6:30pm every evening I am in one of two places, at home or at work. That's ok with me. Which surprises me, but then, I'm not the person I was a year ago. My life may be boring, and dull, and lonely, but ITS MINE. I, now, rely on NOBODY for anything. If I need something that I can't do for myself, eg, babysitting, I PAY SOMEONE. If I need furniture moving, or putting up, or dismantling, I do it myself. If I need food shopping, I walk up and do it. It's nice. I KNOW right in the bottom of my shoes that at the end of the day, I no longer NEED anyone. Anyone who's in my life, is there because I want them to be, not because I have to have them. Even Phil. I can and do do it without him for a lot of things, if not everything, but I've made the choice to put my son first, and therefore, the choice to have him in my life, for all the shit he gives me!

I'm actually feeling hopeful for 2007, which is a new thing for me. Things seem to be just where they need to be. I'm revelling in my independence, forging new friendships, building a new relationship, on my terms and at this stage, with a level of caution that means its still in its baby steps stage, things are looking good. My son is growing, fast and furiously, emotionally and physically, and so am I.

Happy New Year all, I probably wont post till I do my moaning at 2am about my neighbours tomoro night!

Thursday Thirteen #11 (a day late!)

Thirteen Things I aim to do in the following year.

1…Give up smoking.

2...Eat better, gotta stop nibbling!

3...Exercise more...I will lose another 2 stone!!!

4...Have more sex (I know this is supposed to be at least a little family friendly but quite honestly, the clash in our schedules means its been A MONTH...A MONTH PEOPLE....THIS WILL NOT BE HAPPENING AGAIN!)

5...Make even more new friends. I've learnt how to do it now, and am on a bit of a roll!

6...Redecorate the house, I've started putting the money by for it!

7...Get the 3 armchairs OUT of my bedroom!

8...Learn to drive. I can drive, I just need to take the test, so I'm considering a crash course before the summer!

9...Spend more time with my son. Cos there is no such thing as too much time with him!

10...Maintain this relationship (there, I said the word) properly, so that I can introduce him to my son.

11...Laugh in my ex-husbands face (but then, I do that as often as I can)

12...Destroy a woman whos been deserving it since September (I know, not very nice of me but then I'm not always very nice and she's taken something that was mine and is not doing as she should, its all very complaicated!)

13...Blog more, and have a more exciting life to blog about!!!!
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Belated Merry Christmas to all!

Can you believe I actually FORGOT to post this Christmas, how unlike me!!!

Christmas was actually quite uneventful, my boy was good, my ex was well behaved, my family were too!!!!

I got the following for Christmas...

A book (one that I wanted!)
A 'mum' locket, from Emily and my boy
A cordless drill (LOVE my parents)
A new screwdriver set (again LOVE my parents)
A 3D Jigsaw (LOVE my aunt)
Some bath stuff that makes me glittery
A diary (I already have one but I didnt like to say)
Some odds of sweets from Graeme, which was a really nice pressie actually!
A small box of Milk Tray
and a bottle of wine and packet of fags from Secret Santa!!!

A very good haul this year actually!!!!!

And thats about all my gossip really, work has been fun, and my boy was far too good, but I don't really have the energy to wax lyrical tonight, I'm having a bath and then monging on the sofa!

tired, wired, and generally crazy!

We'll start with the tired, which is a no-brainer as I worked tonight!!! On the plus side there wasnt that much to do, and our sales were amazing for today over 7K!!!!!!! Thats actually all there is to report about work!

The wired then, that to has to do with work, and the fact that I am sat up waiting for a very important phone call (yes, I know its 12:30am, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!), and that I have just finished Thomas Harris' 'Hannibal Rising'. IT IS FANTASIC!!! Any fans of Thomas Harris' work will love it, I could barely put it down to go to work, but I figure that its not the sort of thing I can get a Dr's note for!!! But, despite having to put it down for 5 hours, I started it today, and finished it today, and its stunning. Its plot-line is based on Hannibal Lector's childhood and early adulthood, one imagines it is trying to explore the sort of experiences that lead to such a diabloical character that he created with Lector. Its gripping, gory and definately the sort of book you try to read while the sun is up. Having just read Karin Slaughter's 'Faithless' yesterday, I'm surprised I can sleep with the light off!!! I highly recommend Karin Slaughter to any fans of Patrica Cornwell or Lee Child, and I recommend Thomas Harris' books to EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD. I picked up my first one when I was 12 and have been hooked since. I shouldnt really have bought it but I couldn't walk past it and not own it. I know that the library is a wonderful resouce and so on, but frankly, I'd rather own the books that are gonna become my best friends than have to give them back to someone who couldnt possibly love them as much as I do!

To any newcomers to this blog, yes I am a book freak, and I'm proud of it. To illustrate this I should mention that any month in which I read less than 20 books, at least 10 of them completely new to me, is a slow month. If I could get paid to read all day every day, that would be my absolute dream job. I spend more on books a month than I actually spend on clothes, shoes, and cigarettes combined. But at least its not money wasted. The only books in my house that have only been read once are the ones I've bought this month. Most of my books have been read at least 5 times, and some of them I have been reading and re-reading since I was 12. And still I never tire of sinking into another world, another time, another life. Either I take escapism too far or I am a bit on the odd side!!!!

JAMMIE DAY!!!! YAY!!!!!

Me and the boy are having a jammie day today, they are our favourite sort of day!!!! Therefore, a whole lot of nothing has been going on!!!!

But I must point something out. The other day, I was complaining about my not to stellar record of Christmas', and Dave mentioned last Christmas in the comments section. So, I decided to address this. The part of Christmas that I was referring to as being crappy was the fact that it was my first Christmas on my own, that I cooked a full turkey roast just for myself, that I didnt get a present from my son, that Phil could only stomach my company for an hour so Edward barely saw him. In my eyes, although there were some good parts during the day, made it a crappy Christmas. I was in no way suggesting that there wasnt any part of the day that I enjoyed, but that overall, it was crappy, and I challenge anyone to disagree with that!!!

So this Christmas is gonna be much the same really, am doing the traditional Christmas morning fry-up and apparently Philip is staying for that. We're going to my Aunt's for dinner, despite my insistance that we dont spend Christmas day with any one side of the family, cos it makes for all sorts of tugs of war over Edward, but thats just my opinion as his mother, which holds no sway with anyone really.

In other random unrelated news, I'm thinking of changing the template for Christmas, but if I do, it'll be back to normal with a couple of weeks!!!!!!

Thursday Thirteen #10

Thirteen Things I should be doing instead of sitting and reading Karin Slaughter's 'Faithless'

1…Cooking Christmas cookies.

2...Making bows for presents.

3...Working out what to buy the ex-in-laws from the boy.

4...Cooking a Devil's food chocolate cake for Sue.

5...Having a bath.

6...Wrapping presents.

7...Finding the boys stocking.

8...Writing my last few Christmas cards.

9...Prep-ing for Christmas eve's roast.

10...Cooking up the apple sauce.

11...Finding table cloth, candles, and place settings for Christmas dinner.

12...Phoning my parents.

13...Washing, the washing up, and ironing.

But hang it all, they'll all still need doing tomoro, cos it was all I could do to put my book down long enough to write this!!!!!

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Tired now

I'm so tired, I should be asleep, instead I'm wired from working.

Work was actually reasonably easy tonight, I LOVE it when the delivery is completed by the time I start, it makes my job much easier. Thou I'd love to know who got what looks like some sort of tar on our floors, it didnt matter what I did, it wasnt coming off!!!

In other news, today, me and my boy went to town, and he bought his bus ticket all by himself!!!!! He's growing up so fast!!! He stepped up, asked for a 1/2 to town, and then handed over his money and took his ticket. Bless him. I figure that if he's determined to be independent then I might as well help him to be, rather than blocking him from it. Its exciting for me, because he's such a strong willed, well adjusted little boy, who is growing into a young man right in front of me. In the same breath its terribly heart breaking as he needs me less and less, and he's only 5!!!!!

I think thats possibly enough pointless rambling from me, I should never be allowed to talk or type once I'm this tired....I should just be locking in a room all by myself, until I sleep!!!!

I don't like Mondays very much

Thou, to be fair the title has so little to do with this post!

I don't have much to report...things between me and Phil are strained, things between me and mum are strained, things between me and some of my friends are strained.....dontcha just love Christmas!!!!

As far as Christmas goes, all I've done so far is put the tree up. I can't be bothered with much else, it seems that every Christmas for the last 6 years has been kinda crappy, so I'm only bothering for the boy this year. I even have to go and pick out and pay for my own present from him, and then get his father to take him to pick it up, cos Phil wont even pay for his son to buy me a present, but its ok, cos it will be my first ever present from Edward. How sad is that.

If I had my way, there would be no tree, no presents, no anything. I'd spend the day on my own, with no phone calls or other things. But I'm not allowed to do that because of the boy, but I can honestly say that I'm not looking forward to it even a little bit. It seems my life has beaten my love of Christmas out of me.

Thou, on a more positive note, I sat and watched part one of the first ever Terry Pratchett to be televised.......Sky One have done an adaptation of 'HOGFATHER' and it is FANTASTIC. I can't wait for the other half, thats on tonight. My phones going off, my door is gonna be locked, and I may be drinking wine. The only reason I've avoided the bottle of wine thats been in my house for the last 10 days is because I don't like drinking when I'm lonely, strikes me as drinking to numb the pain, which I wont do.

And thats it. I still have to go and do mums, and then try to get a handle on some of my own stuff. Then I get the spend a lot of the next 2 weeks with the boy, cos its the last day of school today!

I am NOT a morning person

Not even slightly.

Once the alarm went off, me and the boy staggered downstairs still asleep and crashed back out on the sofa. Opps.

Its now after 10am and I am still only just waking up, not the ideal state to be in when faced with the evil ex-hubby. But thats ok, cos despite the fact that I definately looked like s**t.....I really did, he STILL came on to me. So now I know that it actually has nothing to do with the fact that its me, and everything to do with the fact that he's trapped.

I actually have nothing else to report today. Last night was so deathly dull, there was nothing on the telly that I wanted to watch, the only people who talked to me were Graeme and Adrian, always fun, but still, that was it, 2 people all night. I nearly went looking for a chat room to hang out in...but they scare me, and move too fast for me to keep up and I couldnt face the confusion just for some sort of human contact.

So, plans for the day...housework, housework, housework, and then I may possibly take myself out for coffee, and maybe a trip to Waterstone's, I need a pick me up and a book might just do the trick.

Have a good day all!

Randomness

*puts finger over mouth and makes 'shhhhhh'-ing sound*.....not a word, oh manager of mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not one single 'I told you so'!!!!!!

Title to be inserted by anyone who can think of one!

BLEUGH.

That is kinda my theme for the day today. I have offically had quite enough of the chaos and hassle, and am just feeling BLEUGH.

Last night was a nightmare. Work was ok, actually nice and gentle, I took it kinda slow, and it still got done...I even faced-up!

But then, unintentionally, ended up in a row of sorts with Philip. It started because I rallied against the injustice of all the things that his new girlfriend gets from him that I didnt ever. Not just the emotional support and the help around the house, but that he can get home straight after work for her, and she always knows where he is. Things that I got down on my knees and abased myself to try and get from him. He just couldn't do it for the mother of his child and the woman he married.

He had mentioned to me that he had to get home because she is unwell. Now, as a general rule I don't wish ill on anyone, so I was sympathetic to his plight, but there's a 'but. On at least 2 occasions I phoned him and asked him to come home because I was miscarrying and I needed him to have the boy. He didn't come home when I phoned, or after he finished work, infact on one of the occasions he didnt come home till 9pm (he worked until 5:30). So, naturally I took issue with the way he is happy to take care of her, when he couldnt do it for me. HE HAD FORGOTTEN THAT IT EVER HAPPENED. I kid you not, MY HUSBAND FORGOT THAT I HAD 2 MISCARRAGES DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP. I actually had 3, but I didnt ever tell him about the first one, and I shant ever, because Edward stayed where he was, so there was no reason to tell him.

I MARRIED THIS MAN.

THROUGH MY OWN CHOICE.

I SHOULD BE SECTIONED.

On Tuesday I was unwell, I had a stomach bug, and the first thing Philip asked was whether I was pregnant or not, and I lost my temper, and he didnt realize why until last night.

Sometimes, when I look back, I HATE myself for being so spineless. For putting him above all else, protecting him and helping him. I can't believe, looking at myself now, that I let it happen. That I put up with the way he treated me. In the same breath, sometimes I look back and wonder if I dont deserve to be treated any better, because the man I married is capable of treating a woman like something other than a possession, a toy, something to treat anyway you liked, but he couldnt do it for me, and one has to ask why not.

So, the bleugh makes sense, but tomorrow will be a brighter day, as it's my weekend off, so I have ALL DAY with my beautiful boy, who makes any pain, suffering or torment that I endured with Philip completely worth it.

Thursday Thirteen #9

Thirteen Things I missed while I wasn't online

1...BLOGGING!!!! I may not do it as regularly as I should......But there's been more than a few things that I wanted to blocg about this last 3 weeks.

2..THURSDAY THIRTEEN'S....I got up one Thursday morning, ready to do my 13, to find my internet was down....I nearly cried!

3...Being able to Google anything that took my interest.

4...Chatting to friends.....I have so few in the 'real' world.

5...Checking my favorite blogs daily......I had to spend HOURS in front of the computer yesterday..............Oh well!

6...Window shopping. I don't buy online at the moment, but I love looking at the pretty things I would buy if I could afford it.

7...Keeping up to date with my favorite shows.

8...GOSSIP.....I missed out on LOTS of gossip!

9...Support. I still find it amazing how supportive people online can be, and I really could have used some support just lately.

10...Random emails. You know, the ones that are just plain random but make you laugh anyway!

11...Telling people about the amusing things my son has done, or the annoying things my ex has done.

12...VENTING.......My lounge door has taken a beating lately....I need to buy a new one now *blushes*

13...All the things I do online that aren't especially important, but do stave off the boredom!




Links to other Thursdaythirteen'ss!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. ItÂ’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

WOO HOO I'M BACK ONLINE!!!

YAY..... my internets been reconnected.......FINALLY......I've been without it for 23 DAYS.......so I'm off to do all the things I've been missing and will post properly later!!!!