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Friday, November 17, 2006

In Loving Memory...

Dearest Gun-Gun,

I heard of your passing just yesterday. I was at work, and it was as if the world had stopped for a moment or two.

I never have been good at articulating my deepest feelings, and it saddens me that you might not know just how much I love you, and always have. How I was always so proud to be your Granddaughter.

I put off getting in touch with you, because I was ashamed of how I was struggling, and I didnt want you to see it. I wanted so badly to be the person you wanted me to be, and I didnt want to show you that I'm not there yet. I'm so sorry. I wish I could do these last few years over.

I miss you already. As soon as I heard the news, the first thing that came into my mind was the smell of being safe in your arms, pipe tobacco and aftershave. You've always been larger than life to me. Then I remembered all the times I visited as a child, to find speacial treats in the cupboard, bought just for me and Johnathon. Speacial times when I felt so spoiled, so cared for.

I remember how you refused to have your Granddaughter accept charity. How you made sure that I was able to afford the things that stopped me being the target of bullys. How you showed me that I could be better than I was expected to be. How you never judged me, even when you felt I was making the wrong choices. How you let me make my own mistakes and didnt ever hate me for them.

I wish I had listened more, spent more time with you, told you more about me. I wish I could show you who I am right now, how I've changed in the last 6 months. I wish that I had posted the letter that I wrote. I wish that I had made more of an effort. I hope you never doubted my love for you.

I hope you find peace, wherever you are now.

All my love
Your Tizzie

3 comments:

Graeme said...

Big Hug

Button said...

If you need a friend, I'm here for you. You know you can always IM me or e-mail me or call.

Thinking of you.

Jenn said...

This was so moving...I'm sorry...such a loss. But you said it so brilliantly. Thank you.