New days, new thoughts, new hall paint.

Perspective is a beautiful, healing thing. It truely is.

I have my own special brand of crazy, and I freely admit it, so this post might not make much sense to anyone who thinks I'm normal. (consider yourself warned if my insane logic frys your brain!)

I've painted my hallway. This in turn means I'm sorting my shit out.

Early last week, I was in a bad place. I really was. People who I love, who I loved and who I put so much of myself into helping, admitted that they had made mistakes with me, but that they had learned from them, and wouldnt make them with anyone else. WTF??? Who says things like this to other humans. Who sits there and acknowledges how much of yourself you gave to sort them out, but they had to fuck you up to get to where they need to be. Unfortunately, this is a reaccuring pattern with far too many people in my life. This is why I have made new friends this year, why I've started getting harder, become less forgiving, and started putting myself before my friends. Some people in my life did not deserve what I did to help them thru. If they had understood what I had done for them they would never have betrayed me like they have. Thats not all. I'm not often a nice person, but anyone who knows me knows that I will move heaven and earth to make things right for others. And I still will. I always will cos its the way I'm made. But there are a few differences here and there now.

Anyway, back to the painting thing, cos it is a huge issue. I moved in here 3 and 1/2 years ago. In all that time the only walls that have been painted are my bedroom ones. Which was a good thing and needed at the time. So in all this time, all this chaos that has happened within these four walls, all the tears and rows and anger, all the heartbreak and pain, and the place is still as it was when Phil and I moved in, happy, married and in love. So painting, a big thing. Add to that the fact that I have never painted a room, or a wall, all by myself, on my own, for me. I'm busy building my home. Making it mine. And in the process I am sorting my shit out. As my home is coming together so am I. I really want to be sorted out now. I have things I want to do, and I can't do them because I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself, being down on myself, and believing what others think of me. I'm trying to repair the damage thats been done to me, by myself and by others, cos my son deserves a mother who's in the best possible place, and everyone else derserves to see the pieces of me that I hide. The pieces of me that I don't trust people with cos I dont think they need to deal with my shit...cos if I'm dealing with theirs, they can damn well do the same for me.

Ok, ramble over, I think. And who knows, maybe I'll start posting more now!

I hope you're sitting down!

For the two regular readers (hey, I can admit that there are only two of you!) prepare yourself for this announcement. If anyone else has been reading regularly you too should suspend your disbelief for this...

PHILIP AND I ARE FRIENDS AGAIN!!!

Not the half ass friends that we have been since September. Not the sort of friends who spend all day trying to get dirt on each other, but ACTUAL friends.

I really mean it, I am not trying to scare anyone, and I really am not lying, we are back to the proper sort of friends that we need to be, for ourselves and for Edward.

Its nice actually. (I'm sorry if anyone actually hurt themselves there). This friendship we have worked for. REALLY WORKED FOR. As in, we've been trying harder on this friendship than we ever did on our marriage. Its shameful to admit, I know, but we didn't try as hard as we should have on our marriage. We were not as honest with each other as we are now, and we didn't share as much as we should have. Since we split, we have been brutally honest with each other, we have shared things that we never had to know about one another, we've taken care of each others emotions much better and we have both accepted responsiblity for our mistakes during our marriage and relationship.

This is not to say that we are getting back together, because, folks, WE ARE NOT.

This isnt about still being in love, or not being over each other, and despite what some people may think, its REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY not because we're banging like rabbits, and no, I'm not protesting too much. Its just something that isnt happening, and sometimes, I feel that no matter how often I say that, there are people, who should know me, but who still doubt it. If we we're banging like rabbits then we'd be together. If I wanted him back in a relationship way, then I would have done that already. BUt our friendship is important to me. It is a treasured friendship, and when others think that we shouldnt be friends, then they are small minded and unable to accept that when you sweat blood to ensure there is a friendship then it is obviously worth fighting for.

In other gripping 'Tizzie' shaped news...

I HATE BOB...MAY HE BURN IN HELL...I WISH I COULD JUST REALLY HURT HIM WITHOUT HAVING TO TOUCH HIM.

Thats it folks. I think that the first announcement was enough to keep all my faithful readers (all two of you) going for at least a day!!!!!

An actual blog post!!!!!

ok, so I haven't blogged for a couple of reasons, one is that when you have actually sat and thought about how you would dispose of someone, its probably not a good idea to blog about it! Another is that the chaos in my life just lately has stunned even me, its like it has a target to reach, and is trying to beat it...if my life were work, we'd have beaten bugdet by about £1,000,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, a proper blog, about the good things in my life, cos a few have happened lately.

Good thing number 1...I went and got my hair cut. It is actually a really cute cut and I love it and am really happy with it. So happy in fact that it is also now a nice deep red colour again!!!

Good thing number 2...I got my paypal verified so I can get addicted to ebay!!!

Good thing number 3...My friendship with my neighbour is going from strength to strength, not bad for some one who hasnt made a friend outside of her job or school for about 7 years!!!

Good thing number 4...I am now the proud owner of a pink Nindento DS Lite!!!!!!!!!

Good thing number 5...I WENT OUT...IN PUBLIC....AND HAD A DRINK...AND I DIDNT GET IN TIL 1 AM...FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 10 MONTHS!!!!!!!

Good thing number 6...I have permission to be in a relationship now from my ex-husband...HAHAHAHAHAHA the world is MINE!!!!!!

Good thing number 7...I seem to have found my sense of humour again.

Good thing number 8...I have cleared the air with my best friend. I dont ever want to have to do it again, but I am so happy I did, and so happy that things are back as they should be.

Good thing number 9...I had Chinese take out for the first time in about a year!

Good thing number 10...I had 9 good things to report!!!!!

Oh, and I am now Graemes 'second-in-command' at work, I am a Senior Shift Manager...Its a pig, but it rocks too...I got a promotion (dances a lil!)

Thats it for right now, but then I want to have some wine tonight, so maybe I'll post a drunken post later!!!!

Thursday Thirteen #15

Thirteen Things I'm proud of.

After the hugely negative TT last week, I decided to do something I very, very rarely do. In fact, I do this so rarely that anyone whi knows me will be shocked and surprised by this post. I'm going to 'toot my own horn'so to speak. This TT is 13 things about myself that I am actually proud of, or think I do well!!! (my apologies to anyone who actually keeled over in shock!)

1...I can do a suduko puzzle in under 3 minutes. Not the complex ones, they take about 10 minutes, but the ones where you only have to find about 45 numbers out of 91.

2...I am a DAMN FINE cook. Its a skill that I haven't appreciated much lately, but since I've started cooking more, I can see why Phil wanted to marry me!!!

3...I am raising an amazing lil boy, and for the most part, I've done it myself. My ex hasnt really put much effort in until recently, so I take full credit for it, and just lately he really has been doing me proud.

4...My memory is damn near photographic. If I've read it, or written it, I'll remember it.

5...My mind is so open that I expect my brains to fall out almost daily. I consider this a good thing, thou some people think I'm a touch too permissive!

6...At work, thou I'm not sure I'm really proud of it, there are only 2 people that staff will go to before me. I'm actually an asset to my workplace, that part makes me proud. The part where I'm dealing with the staff's issues just makes me irritated!!!

7...I am actually a good friend. I can be a nasty b***h, however, for my true friends, there's nothing I wouldnt do.

8...I'm a low maintainance person. I don't need that much imput, I kind of tick over by myself. Thats not to say that I don't need some sort of human contact now and then, but other than that, I'm realatively independent and have been know to go weeks without seeing anyone other than my ex and my son without going completely insane!!

9...I am always learning new things. I cant seem to stop myself. I just cant help myself, be it something that just sparks my imagination, or something I have to 'Google' for my son because he wants to know how aeroplanes stay in the sky!

10...I cross-stitch. A lot, and well. I tend to keep that one to myself, mainly because I am really not art-inclinded. But when I cross stitch it doesnt seem to matter that even my stick men aren't convincing!!

11...I'm competent and capable. If there's something that I need to achieve, and I don't know exactly how, I'll simply find out and then do it. It's something that I am really, really proud of at the end of the day as its something I want to pass onto my son, and as its a trait I already have I reckon I'm half way there!

12...I'm articulate enough and well-spoken enough that no-one every believes me when I say that my father's a farmer. And not in the 'gentleman farmer' sense, in the sense that I too have stuck my hand up inside a sheep! But no-one ever believes it, no matter how many times I say it!

13...I got thru this list. That really makes me proud because it's not something that comes easily to me, and it's taken at least an hour, but I got thru it, and am now going to have a fag and a coffee before I post it, just so I have something to moan at myself about!!








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Friends, feelings and other stuff!

Not sure on a title yet...........give me a minute!

Today has been a special day. Me and my boy are still in our jammies (its only 16:30) and have spent the whole day together. Always something that makes my day the best it could possibly be. But, on top of that, I got to read the responses on my TT. Its not often that I open myself up like that, and I can say, without a doubt, that I didnt do it lightly, or easily. There are people who read this blog that I'd rather not let into my head, because nothing they have done even slightly allows them the right to that, but as I am determinded to maintain a friendship with someone who played a pivotal part in my life, I have to accept that the people close to him will come here, and read it, and hope that it means that my life is falling apart in some way. Nevertheless, I took a risk, just because one person out there doesnt understand what goes on with me, doesnt mean that I should shut everyone else out of the more chaotic parts of my life. To have such thoughtful, and inspiring comments, which I read over my morning coffee (a time when I am definately not at my best) really made my day. If nothing else nice had happened today, I'd have still had a glow of contentment about myself.

But other nice things happened. Cuddles and snuggles on the sofa with my lil man. A phone call that set my pulse racing, and put a smile on my face. A visit from Amy and her lil girl...who was also still in her jammies, so an inpromptue jammie playdate! A postcard from one of my oldest friends, with a picture of her and my boy on it. A LIE-IN until 9:30!!! A glimse of what my life is becoming, as opposed to what it has always been. I hate to say it but I think I'm actually getting a life worth envying, rather than a life no-one wishes on their worst enemy.

And a random note, you will notice the lack of posting about Valentines. At the risk of offending millions of people, it is a highly over-rated holiday and something that I really find a little crass and over commerciallized. So therefore, thou I did bake on the day, cos that is a tradition I will keep, I gave chocolate brownies to Graeme, as I know he needs the chocolate more than anyone else in my life!!!!!!

Thurday Thirteen #14

Thirteen Things I've discovered about myself in the last couple of months.Todays TT is a personal one, which is a touch unusual for me, as I'm such a private person, but then, its probably unhealthy for me to be and I'm trying to grow as person!!!!

1…It is my natural reaction to be a cold hearted b***h before anything else.

2...I am incapable of seeing myself as others see me, even a little bit!

3...My thoughts and feelings are so deeply buried, when my friends try to talk to me, I'll lie about them (the thoughts and feelings, not the friends)

4...When I come accross as confident its actually because I am the exact opposite, and am lying to myself.

5...When someone's nice to me, I automatically wonder what they want from me, or assume they are lying.

6...I am nearly completely unable to accept a compliement.

7...Whien I'm feeling lonely, I will deliberately unplug my phone, turn off my mobile and pretend to be out, just incase a friend actually rings.

8...If one of my friends needs something, anything, I will do everything in my power to help them get/achieve whatever it is. But I will NOT accept the same back.

9...When I'm feeling a deep emotion about something, I will just bury it until its no longer a deep emotion.

10...There's far too much in my past that I havent dealt with yet, and it affects the relationships that I build today.

11...When it comes to my son, there is nothing I wouldn't do, no-one I wouldn't hurt to keep him safe. The same goes for my family, and the friends I consider family.

12...I'm outspoken, but never about the important stuff, just about the little things.

13...Far too much of this list is negative, and I really need to deal with that!!!!!




Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

My 'Mr Linkie' isnt up and running on this template yet, so leave a link!!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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To my Parents

Happy 18th Anniversary.

Not for you two, you have been together far longer than that, but for us. It was 18 years ago today that I moved in with you permanently, and for that I am forever grateful.

I know we have our ups and downs, and I know we all annoy each other like crazy sometimes. Despite all that, I wouldn't change a moment of the last 18 years for absolutely anything.

Being with you has shaped my life, has changed the path I was on to one that is brighter, happier and contains more hope than you can imagine. And I thank you for that.

You guys truly saved me, made my life bearable. Without you, I would be nothing, instead I am your daughter, and so proud of that fact. If I hadn't moved in with you all those years ago, I know exactly where I'd be right now, and it's not somewhere where I would be able to be accepted into society. But I am, because of you.

The debt I owe you is huge, is insurmountable, and all I can do to repay you is live my life as you have shown me, make you proud of me, bring my child up how you brought me up, not how I was brought up before.

I couldn't imagine my life without you, you are both by far the most influential people in my life, and among the most important.

I love you both very much, and thank you for all the effort, time and love you have given to give me a chance at a life.

Pondering stuffs, as I occasionally do!

Well, I do.

Once, a person I counted as a true friend told me that when he was feeling all out of sorts he turned to his music. As he was a DJ and a little bit odd, I didn't really put much stock in it...much like I don't put much stock in the theory that if you believe in God and need an answer you just open your Bible and point at a verse. It's a theory that doesn't hold much water as it can be interpreted to fit each individual therefore lacks some sort of elegence to me.

However, feeling a lot out of sorts and very funky, I was cluching at straws and decided to give the music thing a try. I had tried meditation, cleaning, nesting, reading, you name it, all those things that normally allow me to compartmentalize my emotions and none of them had worked...so I turned to my music. And I have to say, after dressing up (for myself, how sad is that exactly) and donning my heels, I popped my headphones on and have spent the last hour exhasting myself headbanging, dancing and laughing. Perhaps there is something in this music thing. I was just bummed out that I couldn't sing too...it's far too late for that!!!

In other news...we must worship my little man. This morning, despite being short on sleep, he got up at 7am and was bathed, dressed and was sat eating his breakfast by 7:30am. I know I have it easy because there's only one of him, but you have to admit that is quite impressive!!!!!

I then went into town under the misguided assumption that I actually had money in the bank. This was a cruel lie that the cashpoint told me last night BEFORE the Direct Debits came out. So, I get into town with a £5 note and nothing else. This really made me feel awful. For one thing, I had my heart set on the new Karin Slaughter novel, which was in the bookstore this morning...and had a £4 off sticker on it, so they wouldn't put it to one side for me. But never fear...tomorrow morning I SHALL BE ON THEIR DOORSTEP WHEN THEY OPEN...THAT BOOK WILL BE MINE!

Despite the downer I was on, I went and bought some milk, a paper and some crossiants, and then realized I had just enough to afford a take-away coffee from the new coffee house in town. Their coffee is DIVINE. I went in on Sunday with Emily for a quick coffee and had a giant mocha, with just the right amount of chocolate and REAL WHIPPED CREAM. I could actually feel my ass getting bigger with every mouthful, but it was worth it, so very worth it. I'm just glad we both managed to resist the beautiful 'double chunk chocolate fugde' cake...though not for long, even now, far, far away from it and in the middle of the night, I can hear it calling my name. Seductive and gentle, this tiny whisper saying 'eat me, you know you want to' **NOTE: This is a representation of what THE CAKE is saying...just for all you perverts out there** So, anyway, my point, because I was making one, was that I went and bought this beautiful latte and went and sat and read my paper and drank my coffee. For once, I used the last of my money to treat myself to something that I didn't need but I did want.

I think thats about it for now...I wasn't really intending to ramble on this much, it's so unlike me!

New Year coming.

I hate this time of year. It encourages me to look back at the year thats gone, and for some reason I always focus on the bad things I've done and the mistakes I've made. I can't seem to help it.

A year is a long time, and the difference in my life and myself, is actually quite incredible, even to me.

This time last year, I relied on a man for emotional support and company, now I really, really don't. At best, I might need to spend an hour or two a week on the phone to one of my friends, or 16 hours at work, for example. Nowadays, as of 6:30pm every evening I am in one of two places, at home or at work. That's ok with me. Which surprises me, but then, I'm not the person I was a year ago. My life may be boring, and dull, and lonely, but ITS MINE. I, now, rely on NOBODY for anything. If I need something that I can't do for myself, eg, babysitting, I PAY SOMEONE. If I need furniture moving, or putting up, or dismantling, I do it myself. If I need food shopping, I walk up and do it. It's nice. I KNOW right in the bottom of my shoes that at the end of the day, I no longer NEED anyone. Anyone who's in my life, is there because I want them to be, not because I have to have them. Even Phil. I can and do do it without him for a lot of things, if not everything, but I've made the choice to put my son first, and therefore, the choice to have him in my life, for all the shit he gives me!

I'm actually feeling hopeful for 2007, which is a new thing for me. Things seem to be just where they need to be. I'm revelling in my independence, forging new friendships, building a new relationship, on my terms and at this stage, with a level of caution that means its still in its baby steps stage, things are looking good. My son is growing, fast and furiously, emotionally and physically, and so am I.

Happy New Year all, I probably wont post till I do my moaning at 2am about my neighbours tomoro night!

Title to be inserted by anyone who can think of one!

BLEUGH.

That is kinda my theme for the day today. I have offically had quite enough of the chaos and hassle, and am just feeling BLEUGH.

Last night was a nightmare. Work was ok, actually nice and gentle, I took it kinda slow, and it still got done...I even faced-up!

But then, unintentionally, ended up in a row of sorts with Philip. It started because I rallied against the injustice of all the things that his new girlfriend gets from him that I didnt ever. Not just the emotional support and the help around the house, but that he can get home straight after work for her, and she always knows where he is. Things that I got down on my knees and abased myself to try and get from him. He just couldn't do it for the mother of his child and the woman he married.

He had mentioned to me that he had to get home because she is unwell. Now, as a general rule I don't wish ill on anyone, so I was sympathetic to his plight, but there's a 'but. On at least 2 occasions I phoned him and asked him to come home because I was miscarrying and I needed him to have the boy. He didn't come home when I phoned, or after he finished work, infact on one of the occasions he didnt come home till 9pm (he worked until 5:30). So, naturally I took issue with the way he is happy to take care of her, when he couldnt do it for me. HE HAD FORGOTTEN THAT IT EVER HAPPENED. I kid you not, MY HUSBAND FORGOT THAT I HAD 2 MISCARRAGES DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP. I actually had 3, but I didnt ever tell him about the first one, and I shant ever, because Edward stayed where he was, so there was no reason to tell him.

I MARRIED THIS MAN.

THROUGH MY OWN CHOICE.

I SHOULD BE SECTIONED.

On Tuesday I was unwell, I had a stomach bug, and the first thing Philip asked was whether I was pregnant or not, and I lost my temper, and he didnt realize why until last night.

Sometimes, when I look back, I HATE myself for being so spineless. For putting him above all else, protecting him and helping him. I can't believe, looking at myself now, that I let it happen. That I put up with the way he treated me. In the same breath, sometimes I look back and wonder if I dont deserve to be treated any better, because the man I married is capable of treating a woman like something other than a possession, a toy, something to treat anyway you liked, but he couldnt do it for me, and one has to ask why not.

So, the bleugh makes sense, but tomorrow will be a brighter day, as it's my weekend off, so I have ALL DAY with my beautiful boy, who makes any pain, suffering or torment that I endured with Philip completely worth it.

In Loving Memory...

Dearest Gun-Gun,

I heard of your passing just yesterday. I was at work, and it was as if the world had stopped for a moment or two.

I never have been good at articulating my deepest feelings, and it saddens me that you might not know just how much I love you, and always have. How I was always so proud to be your Granddaughter.

I put off getting in touch with you, because I was ashamed of how I was struggling, and I didnt want you to see it. I wanted so badly to be the person you wanted me to be, and I didnt want to show you that I'm not there yet. I'm so sorry. I wish I could do these last few years over.

I miss you already. As soon as I heard the news, the first thing that came into my mind was the smell of being safe in your arms, pipe tobacco and aftershave. You've always been larger than life to me. Then I remembered all the times I visited as a child, to find speacial treats in the cupboard, bought just for me and Johnathon. Speacial times when I felt so spoiled, so cared for.

I remember how you refused to have your Granddaughter accept charity. How you made sure that I was able to afford the things that stopped me being the target of bullys. How you showed me that I could be better than I was expected to be. How you never judged me, even when you felt I was making the wrong choices. How you let me make my own mistakes and didnt ever hate me for them.

I wish I had listened more, spent more time with you, told you more about me. I wish I could show you who I am right now, how I've changed in the last 6 months. I wish that I had posted the letter that I wrote. I wish that I had made more of an effort. I hope you never doubted my love for you.

I hope you find peace, wherever you are now.

All my love
Your Tizzie

An anniversary of sorts

I know that its been a little quiet on here of late. And here is why. This is a quote from my blog written on this day a year ago. The day that my husband moved out.

"Today is the big day.......I'm terrified.........Absolutely quaking in
my boots.........Whilst I KNOW deep down inside that I can do this, right now I
am panicking like mad..........He's still sleeping at the moment so I've decided
to leave him til he wakes.......Just that little more time to get my emotions
back under wrap before I have to face this."

So, I have been just a little reflective, as well as trying to sort out my own emotions, and things have been just a little crazy in my head. I've been floundering in chaos and confusion, all the while trying to keep a happy face on it all for both my son and the outside world. I haven't even been able to articulate my feelings with any sort of coherence to myself, let alone to others. I'm sure that people the world over have gone through what I am going through, but, as human nature dictates, it seems to me that I am all alone. And I know I'm not, but I also know that part of the problem I'm having right now is because I relied to heavily on others this time last year, when I should have been doing things myself. I've also been discovering a couple of things about myself, things that I'm not entirely proud of, and that is taking some adjusting to as well. It seems that I'm having to reassess every aspect of my life, every decsion I have made in the last 6 years, and every consequence of my actions. Its not a fun place in my head right now....But its getting better, it must be as I am able to actually load up the computer today.....Which is kinda new for this last couple of weeks. Also, I'm starting to make a couple of positive changes, as difficult as they may be.

So, I thought I would blog today, as today is a huge day for me, a big,scary, pit of tangled emotions, but also a huge day. And now I must away to chat to the neighbour's as if there is nothing going on and then to go into work and play pretend for a little longer.